I don't feel like I deserve the "good days"... There I said it. It is a nasty, awful, dark, nagging feeling that I have been carrying for a long time. Sometimes to take away such thoughts and feelings we need to tell somebody, so here I am telling you.
When I wake up with no pain, which is extremely rare these days, it makes me anxious. I feel like my body is a fragile piece of china that I am afraid to mishandle. Then in the next moment I think, "Ahhhhh I need to hurry up and use this!" I feel like I need to pack all of the things I have been dying to get done into an untold amount of time. Crafts with the kids, house work, time with my husband - hurry before the cracks start that will eventually lead to my shattering all over again.
Living with chronic migraine, I feel as if I am constantly picking up my broken pieces of delicate china and gluing myself back in place. But the more I shatter and the more I glue, it seems that I am missing pieces of myself that used to come so easy. The list is long, so I will just give a few examples...
Memory - long or short term, doesn't matter they are both garbage at this point. I know a lot of doctors think that migraine doesn't effect your brain in "that way" but I beg to differ. My memory has never been amazing (I still don't remember all my times tables, and used to have anxiety attacks over it as a child) but now it is a whole new level.
Multi-tasking - I used to be able to juggle many things at one. Give me all the lists and some kind of a deadline to get it all done and watch me shine... well I used to do that. Now I get dizzy and winded vacuuming. If I don't write down a blog idea as soon as it come to me, it's evaporates and I am left trying to grasp the foggy threads that are left behind.
Happiness - I don't even want to say it, but I need to. I just have not been feeling as happy as I think I should. The past year has been hellish. This body has me feeling so un-me. I have had depression in the past. I know that dark, cold place very well and I am not there - yet. I don't want to get back to that place, but I can feel the pull. It's hard to described and it is scary to think about being sucked back to the bottom. The last time we were buying a house, I had just lost our second baby, Jeremy was in Japan and I hardly remember any of that time because I was so numb. I know that is not our situation right now and Jeremy is right here with me, which keeps me from the bottom. His support, compassion and tenderness towards me is exactly what I need, but I need to let myself fully feel that love and his light.
When the good days come along, I feel unworthy of them. I expect my body to not function and to burry me in a frightening pain that I have learned to walk with. When it's absent, I feel on edge. I am waiting, wondering and ready for the eventual "punch in the head" that could be around any corner, basket of laundry, favorite storybook, giggles with the boys or time with my husband. I try to focus on gratitude, positivity and love... I will ALWAYS try and see the good... but, lately it's just been really, really hard for me to embrace my own body when it gives me a break.
I don't know how to fix it. I don't have any answers for myself or for you. All I know is that I need to lean in... Lean into my gratitude practices, my husband's support and to give my fears and my shortcomings over to God. I need Him to guide me in this time and I need to quiet the negative voices in my head so I can hear Him. I have no idea how I will feel day to day, but I know that I am sick of my fears making me feel like a prisoner on days that I have true, precious freedom.