Our Plan vs His Path

October 29, 2019





   When we were newly married, we had it all figured out. I am sure many of you probably chuckled at that last sentence. It makes me cringe a bit because we had no idea what we were in for. This had nothing to do with getting along and figuring out how to become a team, that actually came pretty naturally. We had no idea what we were in for when it came to one of the most important vows - in sickness and in health. We compromised at having 3 kids (he wanted less and I wanted more.) I was positive since we  were starting so young that we'd have our complete family by the time I turned 30. That way we could be young, energized parents able to keep up with the nonstop energy that children have. 



  It's heavy, heartbreaking and difficult... letting go of that perfect plan you imagined for you future, sweet ideas and straight lines written on paper. I have had so many times I tried to limit myself because I thought I knew what was best for me. Stubborn, blind to the beauty that was waiting behind the door I was too afraid to knock on. But when you know that in the letting go, you can fully embrace the true journey - the path the Maker is placing before you... well that is heart changing, holy and empowering. I am not perfect in this change, it takes practice and I try to be patient with myself. When I start to slip, dwell and try to shut the door again I stop and pray for the strength to let go and embrace what is coming...



    Here I sit, 31... Two beautiful boys that are everything. Two angles, the loss of which left me shipwrecked inside myself. A body that doesn't feel fully my own anymore after the long years of battling migraine, which has turned chronic and truly come to it's worst over the past year. This was not the paper perfect plan... This doesn't feel like the other side of the door, it feels like one slammed in my face. But then I breathe. I pray. I sink into the embrace of the Father. He knows my pain. He knows all my children. He is my comfort. He knows the path... each peak and valley. He knew what I could handle and when. He knew that my PCOS, miscarriages and chronic migraine disease would shape me and pull me from the fire with a passion for others. 



   If God had told me ahead of time what I would face, the heartbreak, the pain, the sheer grit I would need I'm sure I'd tell Him that I wasn't ready or couldn't handle it. There is a reason that you are not supposed to read the end of the book first. This year has been very heavy for me in different ways. My body feels like a battleground, but out of the wreckage I am finding my way and following His calling for me. I feel able and willing to be open about my life, struggles and heath because I know this is what I am supposed to be doing. Being a wife and a mother had aways been my greatest dream, but now I also dream of connecting with people in the chronic illness community. The enneagram 2 in me - the helper - wants to reach out and hug all the people that discover my little corner of the internet and bake them some cookies. 



    Support, empathy, and being open with my own story is how I hope to best help others. When they find me and hopefully stick around, I want them to feel the warmth and love that I try to pour out. I want people to see that my path is directed by God and that I am no longer afraid of the other side of the door... 








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