I walked into last year ready for a new season, growing our family and new adventures. I could tell you that it was one of my best years yet, but that would be a lie. I feel like part of myself was crushed in the last 365 days. It honestly was one of the most difficult years for many reasons. I did grow and change a lot, but it was not through experiences that I could have predicted. Thinking back on the year, I wanted to share some thoughts, lessons and memories that carried me through the days...
When I celebrated my birthday last year so happy. I was pregnant. We were anticipating telling the boys and planning how to tell the rest of our family. We were dreaming of the days when we would be snuggling a newborn in our arms and praising God for this miracle. My joy and elation was short lived... I miscarried (for the second time). These are days and moments that are forever scared into memory in a way that re-breaks my heart anytime I think about it. I felt out of control physically and emotionally. I needed to so something meaningful, something that I had a say over. I decided to have my tattoo redone (the original was to honor our first angel, but I wasn't happy with how it turned out) and it means so much to me to be able to carry my two angel babies close in my heart and memorialize them in a permanent way. Tattoos are not everyone's cup of tea, and some might not understand why it was so important to me, but it helped me move forward into the next uncertain steps to come.
I spent most of the first year of my new decade juggling chronic migraine, meds and fertility clinic appointments. I have zero regrets about the choices and the sacrifices I made, but that doesn't mean that they were not draining. Around the same time of my miscarriage, my chronic migraine disease became worse than it's ever been. I went from around 15-18 migraines a month to only having 1-3 days a month without a migraine. Botox was not effective so we stopped it. New fertility meds made me feel like I was having the flu and menopause and the new migraine meds made me an insomniac. It's hard to keep pushing your body when so many parts are pulling you back down.
One of the biggest decisions we made was moving back to Michigan. Honestly I don't think that our upcoming move would even be happening had my health not taken such a huge decline. I am so thankful that we decided to go back for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with my own health. We are looking forward to spending time with family. I also know that when I have to go to appointments there will be less stress knowing I won't have to take the boys with me. I will be able to be totally focused on the goals of the day and not be worried about if I packed enough snacks!
Writing things down is so important. It gives you a physical accountability for your goals and it's also a good reminder... because let's be honest, if I don't make a list or note the thought will vanish into my foggy, migraine brain and possibly be lost forever. So with that in mind, here are the goals I have for myself in this fresh chapter of life...
* Journal daily, at least 5 minutes (this may not seem like much, but trust me it is when you have chronic migraine)
* Go on more dates with my husband
* Take more home videos of the kids (I have TONS of photos, but I want more videos to capture this time in their lives)
* Be thankful for what is right in front of me daily, don't rush to the next thing/phase
* Take more time to do the things I enjoy (sewing, baking, reading etc.)
* Make the most meaningful content I can and continue to share my journey openly (it can be scary to share all the things... but it's so important)
Here are some of my favorite photos and memories for last year
*Photo by Dori Fitzpatrick Photography