For our anniversary, I talked Jeremy into updating our family photos. I LOVE having pictures around the house and having those memories to cherish. The last time we had family pictures taken, N was L's age- so it was definitely time. I researched and scoured our area until I found ourselves a new family photographer, Dori. Her style and approach to her work instantly drew me in. Knowing we wanted a fall shoot, we planned on mid-October... Now we just had to wait since it was only August!
It the time between making the plans for pictures and actually taking them, we found out I was pregnant. My mom suggested maybe putting off the pictures until after the baby came, but I wanted family pictures of the four of us. I wanted to freeze this moment in time before our family changed again. Overjoyed, we decided to tell boys the happy news at the shoot so we could capture their reaction. (I would have been far enough along by the time we took pictures that Jeremy and I agreed it would be safe to tell them.) I got a sweet book about "baby" making us a family of 5 and we waited excitedly....
We never got to use that book. We never shared our happy news with the boys.
When I found out that we had lost our precious baby, I shattered. I didn't know how I could go through with the pictures. We were looking forward to this special day, a time to capture a moment that would change our life and make us all so happy. But now, for me, there was a deep sadness hanging over the impeding day. I was nervous, worried that I would not be able to smile and have happy moments to keep. I still planned our outfits, took L to get his first haircut and told N how fun it would be.
Praying in the days approaching the photoshoot, I asked God to hold my sadness and allow me to be present with my family. I hoped that my love for them would show more than the sorrow I felt in my heart... Dori was fabulous. She made us feel at ease, handled the silly excitement of the boys like a pro and made it fun. We smiled, genuine happy smiles, because we were with each other and enjoying the moment. Before I knew it we were done and God had given me what I prayed for.
Even though the shoot went well and I knew we had fun, I was still worried about what would shine through in the final pictures... But all of that worry melted away when Dori posted a couple sneak peeks.
When I saw this picture, I immediately saved it to my phone and made it my background. I didn't care that it wasn't a "clean" copy... All I cared about was that it showed the most important pieces of myself. That when I am with my three favorite people I am home, I am happy, I am safe and I am loved. They make me look at our life through different eyes and break through the sadness. I knew that I had no need to worry about any of the other pictures because my joy and love for my family was sure to be the most evident thing about myself in all of them.
* An extra special thank you to Dori Fitzpatrick Photography for giving us amazing photos and for helping to heal a piece of my heart!