Laying in bed, room as dark as you can get it in the middle the day, wishing every little sound would just stop... Loneliness creeps in and almost consumes you at times. It is not surprising that migraine and depression have been linked. Living a life where you need to shut yourself away from loved ones is so difficult on so many levels. You lay down, alone, waiting for excruciating pain to stop for hours, days, months, years of your life. Laughter and joy float under the crack in the door and you are all to well aware that you aren't part of that moment, can't be part of it, and ache because you feel guilty for just wanting the noise to stop. Migraine is lonely.
People on the outside have said to me "how nice" it must be to get rest all the time... Really? Like I am on a staycation or something?! There is nothing, nothing nice about laying in bed praying to God to just let the pain ease up a little (because you know it is not going to go all the way away), contemplating decapitation as the best treatment (of course I don't really mean it no matter how many times I have asked Jeremy to do it!) I love having a migraine in the winter because the snow and cold is silent.... In the other seasons the world is alive with the most annoyingly loud creatures- birds, bugs, people. It would be easy to let the loneliness consume you, but you have to fight that too.
I truly believe that the best way to combat the lonely feelings, the guilt and the sadness it to be open. Chances are there are very few if any people in your life that know exactly what you are going through (this applies migraine AND life!) Even my inner circle - my husband, kids, parents and closest friends- can't fathom the pain that I have to live with. One of the very reason I started this whole blog was to be transparent and help other understand a bit more even if they can't feel what I do, and God knows I would never wish they could. Letting people I care about in doesn't make me weak, it makes me stronger. They know more about my life, and therefore know how much it hurts to miss out on the good stuff.
When I am at my lowest, the lonely has it's hooks in me, I focus on my blessings. Some may think that is a worn out, old saying, but it's not. God has given me so much. I have an amazing husband and partner that truly knows how to care for me. I have the two sweetest boys on earth that still think I hang the moon, despite my shortcomings. I have incredible family and friends that have given me so much grace and understanding. I think and pray and let God wrap me in that love, and when the pain is gone I get out of bed and hug my family. I know that even though this chronic illness is so hard to bare sometimes, it is the cross I have been given and I can use it to help other not feel so alone.